What’s Really Happening Behind Closed Doors? A True Story for Distance Caregivers

For caregivers in the infamous sandwich generation, balancing family, work, and caregiving from afar can feel like an act of faith. But do you really know what’s happening behind closed doors?

Sally Jo thought she did. Living in Nashville, she did her best to help her mother, Pat, who lived all the way in Portland. She arranged for me to visit Pat, assuring me that her mother just needed a quick check-in a couple of times a week—some groceries, light housekeeping, that sort of thing. Famous last words.

When I arrived, I felt a chill as the autumn wind stirred the damp, crumpled newspapers on Pat’s porch. They hadn’t been collected in days, maybe weeks. Rain-soaked mail clogged the screen door, a sign of isolation that no phone call or video chat could reveal. I rang the bell and called out, but it was Pat’s faint voice, calling from inside, that urged me to step in.

The smell hit first. It was a sharp reminder of just how alone Pat had been. "Hello?" I said, trying to steady myself. "Your daughter, Sally Jo, asked me to stop by." From somewhere deep within the cluttered rooms, Pat’s warm response came back: "Come on in, dear. Make yourself at home."

And so began our conversation. Pat was a storyteller with a rich past, sharing memories of her family, her youth, and her dreams for her children. But as she spoke, her smile faded. The truth of her current reality was harder to share. She admitted she had been confined indoors for months, the world outside becoming a distant memory, her home slowly closing in around her with debris and disrepair. What began as manageable had become overwhelming. She was embarrassed by the state of her home but felt helpless to change it.

For Sally Jo—and so many caregivers trying their best from a distance—this situation is more common than we like to think. Our loved ones rarely want to admit they need more help. But the truth is, distance caregiving requires more than an occasional call and check-in. Pat needed real, consistent support to keep her environment and her spirit healthy. ...

A Love Story Torn by hashtag#Alzheimer`s: The Unbearable Cost of Care

Elvin pulled into the parking spot for new residents, his heart heavy and hands trembling. Sixty years of love and marriage to May led him to this moment—one he never imagined facing. As he walked through the doors of the memory care facility, beads of sweat gathered on his brow. The thought of leaving her in someone else`s care seemed unbearable, but caring for her alone had become impossible.

A young man named Greg welcomed him, immediately sensing Elvin`s strain. Once inside, Elvin could no longer hold back. He spoke through tears, sharing how May`s Alzheimer`s had changed her. Once the love of his life, she now hit and bit him in confusion. He showed Greg an old photo, his voice breaking as he said, "We were so happy."

But then came the blow that broke Elvin`s heart even further—the cost—$6,000 a month, well above the national average and more than Elvin could afford.

Elvin`s story is not unique:
Nearly 2 out of 3 Americans can`t afford a year of memory care without draining their savings.
48% of families cut back on their expenses to provide care for a loved one with hashtag#Alzheimer`s.

Over 11 million Americans provide unpaid care for those suffering from Alzheimer`s or dementia, often sacrificing their health and finances.

Elvin`s journey reminds us that behind every number is a family, a love story, and often heartbreak. The time is now to demand better care options and more support for families with this enormous burden.

hashtag#CaregiverSupport hashtag#AlzheimersAwareness hashtag#SeniorCareCrisis hashtag#FamilyCaregivers ...

Caregivers Matter Too!

As my mom and I walked into the rehabilitation center, we found ourselves waiting for the intake nurse in a small, quiet room. Everything in me wanted to scoop her up and run away. We had been here before; it was the last place I wanted to be. My mind was racing, filled with worry and dread when suddenly, my mom grabbed my arm. She was sobbing uncontrollably, shaking like a leaf, holding on as if I were her lifeline. "Mom, what`s wrong?" I asked, trying to steady my voice. Through the tears, gasps, and fear, she quietly said, "I am so confused and I can`t think."

In moments like these, your world shrinks. You`re not thinking about yourself, your needs, or even your breaking point. You`re consumed by the pain of the person you love.

Reflecting on World Mental Health Day, we must recognize caregivers who often carry immense burdens in silence at home and work. Caregivers typically devote an extra 24 hours a week to their responsibilities, often at the expense of their mental well-being. The result? Chronic stress, exhaustion, and deep feelings of isolation.

Despite their sacrifices, caregivers are rarely asked about their mental health, and a staggering 27% of unpaid caregivers report struggling with their mental health. Guilt compounds this—caregivers often believe they shouldn`t prioritize themselves over the ones they care for, but this neglect has serious consequences. It impacts their health and ability to provide care and participate fully in the workforce.

The ripple effect is undeniable:

Workplace Impact: Mental health challenges like depression and anxiety lower productivity and increase absenteeism.
Global Economy: Untreated mental health conditions are estimated to cost US$1 trillion annually.

It`s time to break the silence around caregiver mental health. Supporting caregivers isn`t just their responsibility—it`s a duty we all share. Healthcare providers, employers, and society must step up to help.

To all caregivers reading this: Please remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish. It`s essential. Your well-being is just as important as the care you provide. ...

Caregivers, This One`s for You: A Wake-Up Call for Brain HealthToday!

I stumbled upon a game-changing podcast by @melrobbins and I felt compelled to share. The link to the podcast is in the comments below ⬇️. It`s a powerful reminder that while we`re busy caring for others, we mustn`t forget to care for ourselves - especially our brains.

As caregivers, particularly for those supporting loved ones with dementia, our lives often revolve around understanding the illness, planning for our loved one`s future, and managing day-to-day care. But in this whirlwind of responsibility, we often neglect our own well-being.

Dr. Wendy Suzuki, a renowned neuroscientist featured in the podcast, offers hope. Her research shows it`s never too late to start caring for your brain, and the benefits are profound:

The Exercise Revolution: Just 10 minutes of physical activity can boost your mood and cognitive function Regular exercise can reduce dementia risk by up to 35%.

Your Brain`s "Bubble Bath": Every workout bathes your brain in beneficial neurochemicals, promoting new brain cell growth in the memory center.

Beyond the Gym: Engage in puzzles, learn new skills, practice meditation, prioritize sleep, and maintain social connections. These activities are your brain`s best friends.

Remember, caring for your brain isn`t selfish - it`s essential. It enables you to be a better caregiver and safeguards your own future.

Caregivers, let`s start a conversation. How do you plan to incorporate brain care into your routine? Share your thoughts and inspire others!

#CaregiverWellness #BrainHealth #SelfCare #DementiaCare ...

Caregivers: We`ll Cross That Bridge When We Get There

Talking with your parents about their future care needs may feel unnecessary. You might even think, "My parents are fine." Yep, they are fine until they are not. And then what?

In my years of working with families, I`ve seen the consequences of waiting too long to have difficult conversations. Often, when families realize they need help, it`s too late to plan calmly and effectively. They`re left scrambling under pressure; in many cases, the person in need may resist the help they could benefit from.

This brings me to a story about Lana and Joan, two sisters who lived together for years. When Joan was hospitalized, Lana`s son reached out to me. He thought it would be good for them to learn about in-home care.

When we met, Lana and Joan were kind and welcoming. But I could sense Lana was preparing to say, "Kelli, we`re fine." I smiled and replied, "Of course you are, and I
truly appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. It`s always nice to have options in place—just in case."

But what happens when someone resists help?

That`s precisely what happened with Lana. As Joan`s health started declining, Lana insisted they could manage independently. It`s a common response, but it`s not the end of the conversation.

Here are a few strategies to consider when a loved one refuses help:

Plant the seed.
Even if they say no initially, introducing the idea early allows them time to process. This way, when the conversation comes up again, it`s not entirely foreign.
Focus on independence.
Frame the conversation around how help can preserve their independence longer. It`s not about losing control; it`s about maintaining their quality of life.
Get a professional involved.
An outside perspective can make all the difference. Whether it`s a doctor, care manager, or trusted advisor, hearing it from someone else can remove the emotional weight of family dynamics.
Offer a trial period.
Propose temporarily bringing in help. Whether for a few hours a week or just for specific tasks, this trial can ease them into accepting support without making them feel overwhelmed.

To go deeper, join our FREE community, "The Nest."⤵️ ...

Dear Mom,

Happy eighty-seventh Birthday!🎂 So much has happened this past year, and words cannot truly express how much I miss you and wish you were still here with us.

OK, let`s dive into the updates! Sadie turned twenty-one this year—can you even believe it? That tiny toddler you once held has grown into a beautiful young woman, thriving in school and life. I think we can safely say someone did something right along the way. 💕 I know you`re up there, looking down with pride, bragging to Gram about your first grandchild. By the way, give Gram a big squeeze for me. 🤗

Miss Liz is in her second year of high school and doing great. She`s got her driver`s permit—yes, a bit spooky.👻 It feels like these kids grow up overnight. As for T, she has followed in Liz`s footsteps, attending the same high school. According to her Dad, "She is crushing it😀." Going through that rigorous application process was no small feat, but we are proud of both of them for making it.

And then there`s Nat, my little fashionista💃 obsessed with all things girl, cheer, friends, and fashion. She`s been keeping us on our toes.

As for the three of us and our respective better halves, we`re doing well. That pesky diabetic gene has made its rounds, but don`t worry—we`re managing fine. Nat`s solution is "To eat as much sugar as possible before I get diabetes." Famous last words from our queen of sugar! 🍭.

The Burnside clan is doing well and is busy as bees—no surprise there. The kids are going in a million different directions, and Miss E will be off to college next year.

The weather will be beautiful on Friday, and knowing how you feel about sunshine, it will be your day all the way around.

I made your famous chicken enchiladas the other day. They are still a crowd pleaser. I could hear your voice saying, "Remember, Kelli, the secret is in the green chilies." I smiled, realizing how often I pass on your wisdom. Whether it`s your cooking tips, advice on dealing with tough times, or insistence on always being kind, your lessons continue to shape our family daily.

Reflecting on this last year, I realize how much of your influence continues to shape our lives.
Reflecting
,
XOXO💕

Kelli ...

Perfectly Imperfect: The Caregiver Journey

Caregivers, let`s talk about those moments when we mess up. We all have them. It`s not about being perfect—it`s about how we handle those imperfect moments.

Remember that you`re not a lousy caregiver when you lose your cool or say something you regret. You`re a human having a hard time.

Here`s what we can do:

1. Pause and get sturdy. Take a deep breath and ground yourself.
2. Acknowledge what happened without judgment. "I yelled when I was frustrated."
3. Take responsibility for your actions. No "buts" or excuses.
4. Share how you`ll do better next time. This shows your commitment to growth.

Try this: "I`ve been thinking about last night. I`m sorry I yelled—that must have made you uneasy and been cconfusing for you. I am sorry I lost my cool. I know you are scared and I am too! I am worried, and I`m working on staying calm even when I`m frustrated. Next time, I`ll take a deep breath before speaking."

You`ve got this. Every mistake is an opportunity to strengthen your bond and grow together. ...