The shift from child to caregiver is a weird role reversal. This is the person that raised you and helped shape the person you are today. And after all you’ve been through together, good or bad, you’re now the one taking care of them. It can be heartbreaking to watch the parent that taught you how to walk lose their own personal mobility. In my case, my mom’s mind was sharp but her body was failing her.

Be Cautious of Over-Dependence

A common mistake is over-visiting early on. It seems like if you’re trying to stay close with someone you should spend time with them- but this can lead to several negative drawbacks. Each individual is different, but be aware of your own needs. If you’re visiting too often you may be burning yourself out, driving your patience very low. Additionally, your senior may be relying on you too much. If you’re the only person your father sees and all his frustrations come out on you, this can also put a strain on your relationship.

Set Boundaries

It’s important to set a cap on how much you both can handle. You may feel like you’d give your life for your mother in a heartbeat, but as her 38-year-old son, bathing her is uncomfortable. Establish boundaries of what you both are capable and comfortable doing, and find ways to work out the situations outside your comfort zone. Talking through this calmly can spare unnecessary fights in the future.

Do Activities Outside of Caregiving Duties

Everyone’s relationship with their parents is different. Think of yours before you began caregiving. Did you and your mom go shopping together? Did you and your father enjoy sharing a piece of pie? Was it strictly business? Try recreating some of the things you used to do together. Adjustments may need to be made and they may not be the same, but it’s important to spend time together outside of duties. You may also find that things your parents once enjoyed have changed. Keep an open mind and do not criticize or judge. Aging changes how people interact with the world so meet them where they are today and focus on what they can do not what they have lost. If it is no longer possible to actually recreate the event reminisce over old pictures. My parents and grandparents had boxes of old slides. We would set up the projector and laugh for hours. Even if you and your mom were never the type to sit and gossip- find things you enjoy doing together and value your time.

If you feel like you’re spending time as a caregiver, not a child, see if our coaching options are right for you.